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Often clients involved in an Im Unlovable Lifetrap also have a very low sense of self worth. One option to help clients evaluate negative thoughts, feelings, and opinions is the I Am Worth It! Road Map. The first step is for your client to observe exactly what circumstances occasioned those thoughts and feelings. The client should stick to objective facts so they can see and hear information that might hold up in a court of law, not assumptions about the motives of the other person, or surmises they cant prove. If your client is in doubt about how to describe the objective facts in any situation, you may want to give them the following example, Somebody loudly calling you a jerk is an objective fact. Someone looking at you with an expression you think means she thinks you are a jerk is your interpretation of her expression and would not hold up in a court of law."
After your client has formulated in their own mind the objective facts, they might even want to write out the description to see if it holds up upon reading. They are ready to evaluate a negative thought or feeling by asking themselves four questions.
Reproducible Client Worksheet
this matter important to me?
If your answer is Yes, this is important to me, proceed to the second question.
my thoughts and feeling appropriate, given the facts?
Suppose instead of silently smiling, the coworker had blurted out, It doesnt matter. Your scheme wasnt going to work anyway! Then the objective facts to be described are altered. Your coworker has labeled your idea unworkable, and it is appropriate to feel anger or some other negative emotion when attacked this way.
As with the first question, if your answer to this second question is "No," reconsider your first negative reaction. You may decide your initial thought or feeling was inappropriate, in which case you may be able to let it go. Well detail later strategies to use in the not-uncommon eventuality where you still feel upset.
Heres another consideration. Your first thought or emotion probably wont be your only one, once you have time to think about the matter. I may not be angry when I think about it, but I am disappointed that my advertising plans wont get approved. You can then subject any newly discovered negative feeling to the same questions.
Having come this far, you next decide, by asking two additional questions, whether you want to act on your thoughts and feeling including whether you plan to report them.
the situation modifiable?
· The TV news shows pickets carrying signs supporting a position
Of course, if your unhappiness is caused by another person, youll need to listen to the other party and try to put yourself in his or her shoes; otherwise, you may be overlooking solutions the other person can help you to see.
Your goal is truly good relationships, which will mean considering the feelings, thoughts, and needs of both yourself and others. Balancing the two requires a lifelong juggling act. Aim for the right balance.
Again, until you have communicated with the other parties, you may not be fully enough aware of their perspective to answer this question well.
Youve probably noticed a letter or words at the start of each of the four questions you will always want to ask in evaluation your feeling: Important? Appropriate? Modifiable? Worth It? Together, these letters and words spell out an important message:
I Am Worth It!
Whenever you become aware of a negative thought or feeling, just remind yourself, I Am Worth It! And the four questions will pop up on your mental screen, ready for use. If any of your four answers is "No," you need to accept the status quo. Here are some aids to help you quell negative feelings and thoughts.
1. Reason with yourself. The process of answering the evaluative
question will lead to self-statements that often do
the trick. Hey, its not really important! I
cant be sure its really some jerk holding the elevator
just so he can finish flirting with the pretty receptionist on
the thirty-second floor. Only nature can stop this
rain thats ruining my weekend! Sometimes reasoning
with yourself will suffice; at other times this process may defuse
your feelings, but they are still there, albeit in milder form.
On the other hand, if you answer all four questions with a Yes, I am worth it!, you need to act.
you decide action is called for, you next need to decide what
the problem involves, just a situation or a particular person?
If its just a situation, you will want to resolve the issue.
If another person is the problem, you will need to decide between
assertion and acceptance.
Reflection Exercise #6
Online Continuing Education QUESTION
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