The ‘When to Leave’ Technique
Review CD track 1 for more information regarding this technique.
Client reviews and utilizes the following procedures to determine when it might be time for her or him to leave a clique.
1. You are getting a bad reputation, or are being labeled as someone who does something you do not really want to do.
2. The group tries to restrict friendships outside of the group.
3. You feel stressed out from trying to ‘keep up’ with the group.
4. Your ‘friends’ are punishing you by ignoring you, calling you names, or being hurtful in some way as payback for not going along with the group.
5. You prefer just to have a few close friendships
6. It is not fun anymore.
The ‘Confrontingthe Queen Bee’ Technique
Review CD track 3 for more information regarding this technique.
Client reviews and utilizes the following procedures to prepare for confronting a clique leader.
1. Write down details of the relational aggression, including the date and what was said. When you confront the clique leader, you will have examples of what he or she has been doing.
2. Practice what you will say in front of the mirror. Keep your tone calm, your eyes steady, and your body language confident, but non confrontational.
3. Pick a place and time when you can talk to the clique leader alone, but where you feel safe. Perhaps he or she does homework in the library every Monday. Do not confront the clique leader in front of his or her friends. This will cause him or her to lose face, which will make his or her behavior towards you worse.
4. Describe exactly what has been bothering you.
5. Tell the clique leader exactly what you want him or her to do and not to do.
6. Always try to end with a compliment. Tell the clique leader you like him or her, or use another true compliment. Indicate that you would like to be friends.
The ‘Compromise on Conformity’ Technique
Review CD track 4 for more information regarding this technique.
Parent observes her or his child for one week and assesses the following areas:
1. Observe your child’s fashion choices. Are they comparable to those of her or his peers? Is there a sensible compromise, like a new pair of sneakers, that might help your child be closer to the current fashion norm?
2. Pay attention to undergarments. Is your child’s underwear always clean? Does your daughter need her first bra? Are her peers all wearing bras? Might a training bra be appropriate to help your daughter fit in, even if you may not perceive her as needing one yet?
3. Pay attention to facial or body hair. There is no right or wrong age for a girl or boy to begin removing unwanted body hair. How does your child’s facial or body hair look? Even if it is not that noticeable to you, might it be noticeable to his or her peers? If your child indicates they want to begin shaving, it is probably because she or he has observed a peer doing it, or at least bragging about it, or she or he has been teased because of his facial hair. If this is the case, you may want to consider helping your son or daughter begin shaving, even if you do not feel it is necessary.
4. What is your child’s morning routine? Dos it include brushing, flossing, and deodorant? Does she or he change in the morning, or head to school in the clothes she or he slept in? Is her or his hair clean? How is her or his shower schedule? Is she or he having trouble with acne?
5. Consider compromising on media. Allow your child to make several suggestions of popular entertainment in which she or he wants to participate. Choose one. You might preview the video game, movie, or album, and then stay with your child when she or he first plays or watches. Take the opportunity to share your values and opinions, and ask for hers or his. You might prepare a list of questions or topics you wish to discuss with your child concerning violence, sexuality, or the importance of discerning fantasy behavior from what is appropriate in her or his daily life.
The ‘Fad Check’ Technique
Review CD track 5 for more information regarding this technique.
Client reviews and utilizes the following procedures to make sure her or his fashion choices are based on what she or he really wants.
1. Fads are fun if they aren’t overdone. If a fad is within your budget, looks great on you, and has your parent’s ok, there’s no reason not to go for it!
2. Don’t follow fads blindly. Pick and choose what to try or buy carefully. Does it make a statement about who you are and who you want to be? One of the greatest things about fashion is individuality. Don’t lose your individuality trying to keep up with a clique chick. Use fashion choices to express something unique about you.
3. Give yourself a reality check next time you go crazy because you just have to have that new dress and nothing else will do. No matter what fad you’re following, don’t forget to be giving to others. If you find yourself all caught up in who’s shopping where, take a look through your closet. What about those clothes you don’t wear any more? If they’re just taking up room in your closet, why not donate them to a clothing drive or your local Goodwill? Doing good deeds for others can be fun, too, and can help get your mind off the clique chick’s latest jeans.
The ‘Take Five’ Technique
Review CD track 6 for more information regarding this technique.
Client reviews and utilizes the following steps for taking time out in order to improve refusal skills and the client’s sense of control.
1. Since you may be in the bad habit of always responding to a request with a knee-jerk "yes," to the clique consider making a new rule for yourself that you need to break this habit.
2. Plan out a list of responses you can make to make sure you can take at least five minutes to consider any request the clique girls make. Some simple starter responses might be, "I need to figure out how much homework I have to do tonight first," or "For example if another Spa Date is suggested at your expense you might respond. ‘That sounds like something I need to ask my parents about first. I’ll give you an answer after I talk to them.’" Write this list down and keep a copy with your phone and in your wallet. Remember, you are not asking permission. You are informing the other girls that you will need to take a minute.
3. Practice these phrases at home until you are comfortable using them.
4. When a request is made, use one of your practiced phrases with a smile.
5. After you have stated to the clique that you need to do something else before giving an answer, leave the area for a few minutes. Get a drink of water, use the bathroom, anything that will get you off by yourself so that you can think.
6. Breathe deeply through your nose, and exhale through your mouth for a count of 20.
7. Once you are calm, decide what your answer to the request will be. Do you want to say yes because it sounds like a good idea, or because that is what you feel is expected of you?
The Desensitizing Technique
Review Track 7 for more information regarding this technique.
Client reviews and utilizes the following technique to desensitize to feelings of anxiety, fear, and guilt that may arise in manipulative interactions with a clique.
1. Review the definitions of terms for negative emotions. Anxiety is an experience of worry or fear without an object being present. Fear is connected to a specific outcome or consequence, such as a fear of a fight if you refuse a request. Guilt is feeling excessively responsible for the emotions or experiences of others.
2. Make a list of three situations in which you experienced anxiety, fear, or guilt, and felt pressured to comply with a clique member’s desires. Use examples that are quite vivid in your memory. Write a description of each example, taking care to describe just what the clique members said or did that resulted in you feeling negative emotions. Also describe your negative emotional reaction in as much detail as possible.
3. Record your examples into a cassette, CD, or mp3 player.
4. Lie down on a comfortable bed or sofa. Have your cassette, CD, or mp3 player by your side. Begin by breathing deeply through your nose, wait for two second, then exhale fully through your mouth. Continue breathing slowly and deeply.
5. After 2 minutes of relaxation breathing, turn on the recording of your first example. Continue to breathe and relax as you listen to the scenario. Imagine the scene in your mind. Try to experience the same feelings that your example describes. As you allow yourself to feel anxiety, fear, or guilt, observe how you are able to control these feelings through your deep breathing and the relaxation of the body. As the first recording ends, turn off the recording. Keep the scene clearly in your mind. Focus again on your rhythmic breathing. Now say to yourself, ‘I may be feeling anxious or afraid or guilty, but I can tolerate it. I am ok.’ Repeat the exercise for each scenario you recorded. Each time, notice how you can counter your discomfort with focusing on your relaxation breathing and muscle relaxation.
6. Practice your recollections and relaxation at least twice each day for a week. In an actual setting of manipulation, desensitization is a quiet but potent tactic of resistance. When the clique girls ramp up the pressure, try to relax like you have practiced, and tell yourself ‘I am feeling anxiety, but I can tolerate it. I am ok.’ This can help you resist the urge to quickly comply, even when you know complying is against your best interests.