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On
the last track, we looked at rules that maintain shame in your depressed male
client. As you know, shame is behind typical "male" actions such as vengeance, blaming, violence, power struggles, compulsive overachievement, and
denial. Shame is extremely influential in causing and perpetuating depression
in males.
You already know that depressed men dissociate from
their feelings. Many depressed men have a shame-based identity that is maintained
by the societal construction of masculinity. Let's discuss the "Shame Release
Technique," which helps men begin to heal their shame.
Cliff,
a 50 year old electrician I treated for depression tried to open up to one of
his buddies. At a cookout, he talked to his neighbor, Barry, about his feelings
of uncertainty regarding his job as an electrician. Barry, his friend, appeared
to be listening. But when Cliff was finished with his emotional rant, Barry walked
away, calling over his shoulder, "How about another hamburger?" Cliff
told me in a later session that he had suddenly felt confused and humiliated.
The feeling Cliff said he felt was shame. He felt shame generated by a specific situation, and he said it nearly immobilized him at the cookout. He was so ashamed
that it became extremely difficult for him to associate with anyone else at the
cookout.
Shame Release
I gave Cliff a strategy for getting over shame generated
in the present. This technique, called the "Shame Release Technique," first required that Cliff recognize his dominant emotion as that of shame. Cliff
readily identified his feelings as humiliation and embarrassment. As you know,
the eyes are very powerful in directing our emotions toward ourselves.
I told
him that the next time he felt similar feelings of shame, whatever the situation,
he should refocus his eyes back outside. Cliff had been focusing his eyes or self-talk
inward, watching himself and letting his shame grow. I told him to try and immerse
himself in some external sensory experience, especially a visual or physical experience.
He could even talk to himself about what he was seeing or
hearing. The important thing was to interrupt the shame and get his attention
on something other than himself, some external stimulus. For example, I suggested
to Cliff that he could count the number of people in the room or take a walk outside
and become immersed in the environment. If he had access to music, that was another
easy way to refocus his attention.
I told Cliff there was
an alternate method of refocusing his attention in this "Shame Release Technique."
He could close his eyes, unless, of course, he was walking or had to perform some
task. Closing his eyes could possibly help him relax, without having to watch
himself in his surroundings.
As you know, simple techniques
such as the "Shame Release Technique" are helpful in gradually breaking
the continuum of humiliation and depression. We've all seen instances where primary
shame turns into other feelings, like fear or anger. Not only does this transition
make it difficult to recognize shame as the root problem, but it causes men to
inflict shame in others or engage in generally destructive behavior. An example
of this can be found in men who physically and emotionally abuse their significant
others. Do you have a client who is abusive towards others who could benefit from
this "Shame Release" technique? You might replay this track during the
session or telling him about it in your next session.
Vocalizing Shame
I also
find it helpful to have depressed male clients actually vocalize the word "shame."
Often, we'll discuss feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, or narcissism. But this
may not capture it. If a man says aloud, "I feel ashamed," it is as
if the words themselves lift the shame from his body. This, in turn, lightens
his burden and allows him to experience the emotion in its pure form.
On
this track we've discussed disassociation from feelings the Shame Release Technique
to help depressed and shamed men begin to overcome their shame. Next, we will
look at sources of shame.
Reviewed 2023
Peer-Reviewed Journal Article References:
Eterović, M. (2020). Recognizing the role of defensive processes in empirical assessment of shame. Psychoanalytic Psychology.
Garcia, A. F., Acosta, M., Pirani, S., Edwards, D., & Osman, A. (2017). Factor structure, factorial invariance, and validity of the Multidimensional Shame-Related Response Inventory-21 (MSRI-21). Journal of Counseling Psychology, 64(2), 233–246.
Gebhard, K. T., Cattaneo, L. B., Tangney, J. P., Hargrove, S., & Shor, R. (2019). Threatened-masculinity shame-related responses among straight men: Measurement and relationship to aggression. Psychology of Men & Masculinities, 20(3), 429–444.
Sherman, N. (2014). Recovering lost goodness: Shame, guilt, and self-empathy. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 31(2), 217–235.
Young, I. F., Razavi, P., Cohen, T. R., Yang, Q., Alabèrnia-Segura, M., & Sullivan, D. (2019). A multidimensional approach to the relationship between individualism-collectivism and guilt and shame. Emotion.
Online Continuing Education QUESTION
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What is one technique men can use to get over shame generated in the
present? To select and enter your answer go to ..
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