In the last track we discussed the three Life Preservers
of support groups; family or friends; and Balance Tactics.
In this track we will
discuss how battered women hide from their emotions in order to provide an impression of normalcy by taking an Emotional Getaway, so to speak. Through an emotional
getaway a battered woman can escape her feelings to allow her stay. Thus these
are really emotional gateways to prison.
As you know, many
battered women will turn to alcohol, sedatives, or "busy" tasks
in an attempt to avoid the feelings they have about their abusive situation. Because
of this, many battered women cover up their emotions, and fail to recognize the
warning signs in their life that something isn't right. Haddie, a 45-year old
mother of three, hid her emotions and fears in order to keep up a façade
of normalcy. I found it helpful with Haddie to divide the reasons for her emotional
getaway and not expressing her emotions into three categories.
3 Reasons for Emotional Getaways
Reason
#1 - Protection from Additional Abuse
As mentioned
on an earlier track, women in violent relationships encounter the added risk of
being ridiculed, assaulted, or injured by their abuser for showing what they are
truly feeling. Here is an example of how Haddie's emotional reaction escalated
her husband, Clint's abuse.
Haddie first walked into my office
with a black eye, a cut on her forehead, a jaw that was beginning to swell, and
several bruises on her arms. In a session, Haddie stated, " I walked into
the bedroom to find that Clint had torn a hole in the hand-embroidered jewelry
case my grandmother had given me. I sat on the bed crying only to see that he'd
also ripped some of my clothes in the closet to shreds. When he came into the
room I was so angry all I could do was scream at him and beat his chest. But,
my anger made Clint hit me harder."
After some discussion
of this incident, Haddie stated "I should have pushed aside my anger and
gotten the best of him by not giving him an additional reason for beating me."
Are you currently treating a client who needs to be reassessed for her
ability to push aside or ignore her emotions as a means to maintain her safety,
if she has decided to return? Some women do this automatically, however I have
treated some clients who lack the ability to control their emotions, even though
their safety is at risk. Do you have a client that might currently benefit from
anger management training and needs to create an emotional getaway from their
anger if they have decided not to leave?
Reason #2 - Protection of their Image
Oftentimes battered women do not express their
emotions in an attempt to shield their children or maintain an image with family,
friends, and neighbors. Haddie, like many battered women, kept her true feelings
of shame and guilt from her friends and coworkers so that they would continue
to see her in a favorable light.
Haddie stated, "I didn't
want to be the picture of a pitiful woman in my friends and coworkers' eyes. I
had enough of that from myself. Most of my friends and people I worked with see
me as a capable and outgoing person. Their view of me actually bolstered me much
of the time, for the view I had of myself was much worse. I explained the bruises
by saying Clint and I went on a camping trip and I fell down a steep hill."
Haddie felt that the only way to keep any kind of dignity
and a feeling of normalcy with coworkers and friends was to create an emotional
getaway by hiding her emotions as well as her bruises from the people with
which she was closest. As we have discussed on a previous track do you have a
client, who, in your next session, you need to discuss people with which it is
safe to let down their guard around and not hide her emotions? Letting down her
guard and not hiding her emotions may be the spring board she is needing to decide
to leave.
Reason #3 - Denying
the Problem.
As you know, many battered women will ignore their feelings
of fear, guilt, and pain, in order to deny that they are a victim of abuse. They
minimize and downplay. Haddie stated, "When I was in the emergency room and
the nurse was checking me over, I had bruises everywhere. But, I wasn't seeing
them. I knew my shoulder hurt, but I didn't realize that my entire back was black-and-blue.
I said, 'I don't have bruises.' And the nurse told me, 'Honey, either you have
bruises, or you're out of your mind. Now which one is it?' It took that experience
to open my eyes. Before that, I even denied that Clint beat me up."
Denying
that she is a victim of abuse often prevents a battered woman from seeking
the help she needs. Obviously, Haddie's frequent use of the emotional getaways
to serve as protection from more abuse, protection of her image, and denying the
abuse, did not help her to face the abuse, they only helped her to hide it. As
you know, Haddie's acceptance and perhaps eventual leaving begins with admitting
that she is a victim of abuse, and not by minimizing or denying what she is feeling.
Haddie did leave Clint shortly after our sessions had begun . Would it be beneficial
to replay this track prior to your session with your Haddie who is taking emotional
Getaways. Or how about playing this 7 minute track as an educational tool in you
next session? If so make a mental note to replay track 13.
After
leaving Clint, I found it beneficial for Haddie to explore her hidden fears regarding
being on her own. The next track will explore those hidden fears.
Reviewed 2023
Peer-Reviewed Journal Article References:
Chen, J., Walters, M. L., Gilbert, L. K., & Patel, N. (2020). Sexual violence, stalking, and intimate partner violence by sexual orientation, United States. Psychology of Violence, 10(1), 110–119.
Crossman, K. A., & Hardesty, J. L. (2018). Placing coercive control at the center: What are the processes of coercive control and what makes control coercive? Psychology of Violence, 8(2), 196–206.
Dichter, M. E., Thomas, K. A., Crits-Christoph, P., Ogden, S. N., & Rhodes, K. V. (2018). Coercive control in intimate partner violence: Relationship with women’s experience of violence, use of violence, and danger. Psychology of Violence, 8(5), 596–604.
Katz, L. F., & Gurtovenko, K. (2015). Posttraumatic stress and emotion regulation in survivors of intimate partner violence. Journal of Family Psychology, 29(4), 528–536.
Marshall, A. D., & Holtzworth-Munroe, A. (2010). Recognition of wives’ emotional expressions: A mechanism in the relationship between psychopathology and intimate partner violence perpetration. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(1), 21–30.
McNulty, J. K., & Hellmuth, J. C. (2008). Emotion regulation and intimate partner violence in newlyweds. Journal of Family Psychology, 22(5), 794–797.
Online Continuing Education QUESTION
13
What are three purposes battered women often have in taking an Emotional
Getaways? To select and enter your answer go to .
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